


Finding a Name

by whiteraven1606



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Nicknames, Past Brainwashing, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Spoilers, Where Cap's shield went
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-15
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-01-19 10:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1466860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiteraven1606/pseuds/whiteraven1606
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remembering isn't fast or simple and his best chance for answers lies with the Captain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Rating and tags subject to change. I don't think I'm going to ship anyone in this one, but I tend towards Tony/Bruce.
> 
> Spoilers for Cap 2.

The Winter Soldier walked away from where he'd left the Captain on the shore. He need intel. He needed confirmation that what the Captain had said was true. He needed a way to make sure he could speak to the Captain again without having to fight since he wasn't going to be able to get his left arm repaired. He had no intention of going back to his handlers. Back to the blankness.

He walked down the shore to the point where the Captain's shield had fallen. The final carrier was listing into the building so there was little chance he'd be trapped retrieving the shield. It glinted under the water near where he'd predicted it to be. He grabbed it by the edge and pushed off the wreckage for the surface.

He trudged to shore and looked it over as he stepped from the water. It was solid, but light in weight. He frowned as he stared at it. It was...there was something he couldn't quite remember. He was supposed to report such episodes to his handlers. He snorted hard and wrapped the shield against his stomach with his right arm.

****

Steve glanced over his shoulder as Sam asked when they'd start looking for Bucky. He looked back at Natasha's retreat and frowned. "As soon as possible. If he doesn't go back to Hydra he will disappear."

Sam stepped up beside him and looked at him out of the corner of his eye. "Hill said they haven't found your shield yet."

Steve felt a slight pang at that, but it had been for Bucky and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for Buck. "It's there somewhere. I'll get it back."

"Uh huh." Sam shifted to look at the new headstone on Fury's empty grave. "You know where to start?"

Steve grimaced as he flipped the file on Bucky to the next page. "I don't have a clue."

Sam touched his shoulder. "Come on, man. You need to eat. We'll look over that horror you have in your hands and then we'll start looking for your friend."

Steve let himself be pushed along. "I don't want you to get hurt. If he still thinks he needs to kill me..."

"Pretty sure if he still thought that he'd just have let you drown."

"I'm actually not sure that would have killed me."

Sam froze for a moment. "Steve, do you remember being in the ice?"

Steve flipped Buck's file back to the cryo picture. "You know, no one has asked me that. Not even SHIELD." He looked over at Sam's very still serious face. "You don't want me to answer that one, Sam."

****

The Winter Soldier stared at his face on the information board and tried to reconcile it with his little flashes of memory and the feeling the shield he'd carefully hidden before coming into the museum gave him. It didn't make sense. None of it made sense.

After looking over every bit of information on the man with his face and the Captain, he turned and moved towards the exit. He needed to find a place to hide until he could figure out how to repair his left arm where the shield had cut into him. He slipped through the crowds like a ghost to retrieve his armor and the shield from where he'd left it on a building's roof near the museum. 

He pulled apart his armor until he found and smashed all the trackers. He peeled the little tracker he didn't think was from his handlers off the grip strap of the shield. He left the trackers behind with his guns. They did him no good without ammunition or maintenance from being in the water. He took his knifes, expect the one that had the tracker in the hilt, and the Captain's shield.

It took him a few hours to decide on a small alcove near the apartment of the Captain to stay in. He settled into the corner of it to look over the damage to his arm. He frowned. He never maintained it himself. He didn't know what to do to keep the dent from starting to spark. He vaguely remembered shock from sparking once. It hadn't hurt as much as blankness did, but he remember not liking sparking.

Sighing, he realized he was tired. That wasn't normal either, but then nothing had been normal since he'd woken from the blankness for his current, failed, mission. He yawned and grimaced as he leaned back further into his chosen corner. He'd sleep and see if he could get more flashes. He somehow knew they came during dreams. He didn't know how he knew, but he was certain he'd get more flashes.

****

Steve peered around the corner into his apartment. "I'm really not sure we should be here. The bugs are probably still functional."

Sam pushed past him and strolled into his living room, right over the smear of Fury's blood on the floor. "We're just here for some of your clothes. You can't keep wearing that same set and most of my stuff ain't going to fit your broad shoulders."

Steve frowned as he closed his door. "I can get new."

Sam stuck his head around the corner of the shelves. "Do you want to?"

"No, not really." Steve packed his compass and his few pictures of Bucky and him, the one of the Commandos all together, and the single one of scrawny him with Bucky into a duffel they'd brought with them. "You know, everyone thinks I didn't know about the bugs in here, but I did. I just didn't think my neighbor would be a SHIELD agent is all."

Sam appeared in his doorway with an apple in his hand. "You knew you were bugged and you stayed?"

Steve shrugged as he took the offered apple. "Sure. What was I supposed to do? I asked Tony's...friend to check that the bugs were belonged only to SHIELD."

Sam's eyebrows climbed. "Tony...You mean Tony Stark, Iron Man, that's your Tony?"

"Yes." Steve gave Sam a look. "He's still a little sore about something I said to him that I shouldn't have, so he routes me through his friend more often than not."

Sam leaned against Steve's dresser as Steve pulled undershirts out of a drawer. "Friend. You keep saying that funny. Like you're lying."

"Natasha says I'm a horrible liar."

"Well, you are the embodiment of all things proud and right, soooo."

Steve rolled his eyes. "Don't you start."

Sam grinned. "Just saying." He lifted his chin towards Steve. "What do you really mean?"

With a sigh, Steve opened the bottom drawer on his dresser and poked a button on the tablet that was resting inside. "JARVIS, are you busy?"

"Not terribly, Captain Rogers. How may I be of assistance?"

Steve picked the tablet up and angled it towards Sam. "This is my friend Sam Wilson. Could you get the specs for his wing suit and ask Tony to rebuild it for him? And tell Tony I said no repulsers."

The screen blinked. "I will endeavor to taunt Master Stark into improving upon the Falcon."

Sam squinted at Steve. "Why do I have the feeling I just missed something?"

Steve put the tablet into the duffel. "Don't feel bad. It took me a few hours to work out that JARVIS wasn't a flesh and blood person."

Sam double blinked. "He...Wait, wait. That was an AI?"

Steve cocked his head. "I don't know that Tony would really call JARVIS an AI so much as he'd say JARVIS is just a rather very intelligent system."

Sam shook his head. "You are fucking with me." He crossed his arms. "Nooo, no, you aren't. You can't lie for shit and you weren't lying just then...Wow." Sam moved closer as Steve packed in the last of his clothes to pad the tablet so it wouldn't get damaged. "How intelligent are we talking?"

"Intelligent enough that Stark and I are going to have words about JARVIS not noticing SHIELD's Hydra problem when he hacked the Hellicarrier."

"Didn't we..."

"Different one. Bigger, with less guns and more turbines."

Sam nodded. "Right. Next you're going to tell me we're going to talk to the Hulk."

"Well, I thought we'd talk to Bruce and Tony about how to repair Bucky's arm when we find him, but I wasn't going to make Dr. Banner transform to talk to you."

"Thanks. I appreciate that."

Steve grinned as he zipped his duffel shut.

****

The Winter Soldier watched as the Captain and the one whose wings he'd torn apart left the Captain's home. They carried a bag big enough for several days of clothing. He gathered up the shield, now wrapped in cloth and stole a car to follow them.

He kept his distance as they traveled towards New York. He had a flash of memory hit him as they came to where the skyline of New York started to become visible. The buildings were wrong. Too tall. Too many. He blinked several times to clear the overlay so he could find the Captain's car again.

He was very thirsty by the time they stopped. He abandoned the car several streets over once he watched the Captain's car disappear under Stark Tower. He found a drink seller that would accept his crumpled bills from a wallet he'd stolen at the museum. Sipping his drink, he circled the building's block and noted all the routes as though he were still on a mission.

He went underground and found an empty maintenance room near the target building and settled the shield in a corner of it before another round of scouting. The connections to his left arm were starting to ache. He wasn't sure, but he thought he remembered aching before sparking.

He curled up on top of the shield and tried to rest. It felt less and more secure than when he slept for his handlers. He wasn't as cold or exposed feeling, but it wasn't safe enough to sleep where he was.

He closed his eyes and flashes of memory slipped across his awareness. There was a slight man with the Captain's face next to him. He was holding the slight man against his side in most of the flashes about him. He had flashes of pain memory from being blanked. He snapped his eyes open, looking for a handler to tell his situationally compromising problem to and froze.

He'd chosen not to return. He knew that. He shifted on the shield, curling tighter, trying to get as much of himself against the cloth covered metal as he could. It was the Captain somehow. He needed to talk to him again. To ask about the slight man. If he was right in thinking he, himself, might actually be this James Bucky Barnes person the Captain had called him to be.

He frowned and climbed off the shield to relieve himself down the tunnel several hundred feet. He came back and curled back up against the shield. He loathed the confusion, but he craved more of the flashes. More of the ones that showed him something other than his hated blankness.

****

Steve stared at the screens all over Tony's workshop. "You knew?"

Tony didn't turn his head from where he was frantically typing. "Knew? What? Ooooh, no. No, if I'd known I'd have dumped their shit onto the Internet ages ago."

"How'd JARVIS miss it when he was hacking SHIELD for you?"

Tony's fingers froze as he turned his head towards Steve. "Capsicle, he didn't have enough time. He was prioritizing for anything to do with the Tesseract, and then the Hellicarrier got part way blown out of the sky."

"Oh." Steve's shoulders sagged. "I didn't think of that."

Tony went back to typing. "Don't see why you would. Bruce was just as upset about it when you were making a mess of D.C.'s skies."

Steve edged closer. "What are you doing?"

"Scrapping everything off the net that has to do with our people. The assassin twins, you, Fury's face, you know, stuff."

"Oh."

Tony stopped typing again. "You thought I was looking for your guy, huh?"

"I hoped you might help. I don't really know where to start looking."

"Yeah. I've got J and Bruce working it. Bruce moved down to his lab sometime...JARVIS?"

"Dr. Banner has been in his lab for three point two hours, sir."

"See?"

Steve nodded. "I'll just get out of your hair."

Tony frowned. "You know we'd have helped, right?"

"I know, Tony. I just...none of us helped you and I didn't feel right asking is all."

Tony cocked his head. "When did you get my message?"

"Three days after it was over. The mission Fury had me on was in the middle of nowhere."

"Figures." Tony started typing again. "Next time, Cap, just call."

"Right."

****

Bruce frowned. "He's where?"

"I believe he is 345 feet along the East maintenance tunnel in maintenance room 3, Dr. Banner."

"Well, okay." Bruce looked up as his lab door chimed.

"Captain Rogers requesting access, Dr. Banner."

"He doesn't know we might have found him, does he?"

"No, Doctor."

"Okay. Let him in, please."

Steve stopped just inside the door. "Dr. Banner?"

Bruce smiled at him and beckoned him forward. "Hi, Steve."

He came closer and shook hands. "Hi, Bruce."

Bruce smiled wider and motioned to the stool across from him. "Have a seat. JARVIS and I think we might have found the Winter Soldier."

Steve rubbed the side of his face with his hand. "Please don't call him that. You found him?"

"Maybe. JARVIS thinks he might be underground near the Tower."

Steve dropped his hand. "He followed me?"

Bruce nodded. "Probably. The timeframe is right to give him time to look around before he holed up there."

"Is there a way to get a picture without risking anyone?"

"Yes, Captain." JARVIS changed a nearby screen to show a small robot moving along a cable assembly. "I will reroute one of the cable casing checkers and ask they look into maintenance room 3."

Steve bit his lip. "Thanks, JARVIS."

****

The soft whirring noises woke him. He tensed, thinking for a moment that his handlers had a tracker on him he missed, but then a small boxy thing appeared along the cable that ran the length of the tunnel outside the room he'd chosen. Standing, he went to look it over. It appeared to have no cameras facing outwards, only the two facing the cables. 

He watched it continue on down the tunnel at a single controlled pace. He should move. He headed back into the room to get the Captain's shield, when he heard a door opening down the tunnel.

Hurrying, he grabbed up the shield, pulled one of his knives and peeked back out into the tunnel.

"Uhm, hi there."

He blinked. The man was board shouldered, but hunched on himself as though he needed to be smaller. He moved the knife up between them.

"Yeah. Look, you really don't want to hurt me." The man shrugged. "It'd be a bad idea."

He stepped back along the tunnel away from the man.

The man leaned against the wall that didn't hold any cables. "You go that way and you'll run into Steve."

He whipped his head around, but no one was behind him. He started for the man. "Move."

The man crossed his arms. "No."

He stopped and frowned.

"Yeah, I know. Weird reaction, right?" The man uncrossed his arms and held his hands out palms up. "I'm not going to hurt you."

His frown deepened as another man came slowly around the corner behind him.

"Bucky?"

He whirled and stared at the Captain. "I'm not him."

The Captain held his hands out and nodded slowly. "You look like him and Natasha found me a file that says you started out as Bucky no matter who you call yourself now."

He blinked, frowning, holding the Captain's shield tighter to himself as his knife started to tremble. "I don't want to fight...you."

"That's good, because I won't fight you."

He put his back to the tunnel wall so he could see them both, just standing there, not moving closer, not trying to make him feel cornered. "That's stupid."

The Captain grinned quick and fierce. "Maybe. Bucky always thought I was stupid when I didn't run from a fight I couldn't win."

He glanced at the other man with his hunched shoulders and back to the Captain. "I...I knew you?"

"Yeah, you did." The Captain held out his hand. "You hungry? We could go up to Bruce's floor and eat something."

He considered blowing past one or the other of them. He knew his routes. He wanted, needed, to talk to the Captain though. His hair fell forward as he ducked his head thinking it over. "Arresting me?"

The Captain shook his head. "No, no. I just...Please, Bucky?"

He started at the name, at the feeling that bloomed in his chest. He brought the knife up a little.

The other man moved a little closer. "You look like you could use a shower, some food, and maybe a look at that file Steve has."

He blinked several times. He wasn't allowed more information than the present mission required. "It isn't related to my mission."

The Captain stepped closer. "Your mission was to kill me. Are you going to do that?"

He pressed against the wall at his back and pulled himself in tighter. His left arm sparked and he grimaced. "I...failed my mission."

The Captain held out his hand further. "No, you decided to change your mission."

That made sense. He'd decided to not go back, to find the Captain's shield. "I..." He held the shield out towards the Captain. "Yours."

The Captain took the shield slowly. "Thank you."

He frowned at the new feeling in his gut. He glanced between them. "Food?"

The other man turned away from him. "Come on. You can put the knife away."

He didn't. He dropped his right hand down some, but he kept the knife out as they went down the tunnel to the Tower's access door that was standing open.

****

Bruce's gut twisted at the bare hope in Steve's expression as they eased onto an elevator. He kept back, ready to call up the other guy if this shell of Steve's old friend decided to knife one of them. 

Steve pressed the button for Bruce's floor. "Do you know what you'd like to eat?"

The wooden expression on the Winter Soldier's face gave way to wary confusion. 

Bruce gently elbowed Steve in his side as he started to open his mouth again. "What have you been fed before?"

That didn't seem to help anything as the confusion chased itself around the man's face, his hair falling into his eyes. "I don't remember."

Bruce had wondered, worried, how often they'd been erasing his memories since Tony had mentioned the possibility earlier this morning. "That's alright. Tony has a lot stocked. We'll find something that appeals to you, I'm sure."

****

Steve wasn't sure what to do with the situation. He sat his shield down along one wall of Bruce's foyer as he lead them into Bruce's kitchen. "Uhm. You want some water?"

Bucky settled at the breakfast bar on the endmost stool. He held the knife in his right hand as his left stayed in his lap. He stared at Steve.

Bruce came up along Steve's side. "Steve, maybe you could get a warm washcloth from my bathroom."

"Sure." Steve was shamefully grateful for a moment to himself. He wet a washcloth and breathed carefully as he looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. "I can do this. I can call him whatever name he's using. I can...do this."

****

Bruce leaned against his kitchen counter and stared at the Winter Soldier as he stared back. "I'm Bruce, by the way."

The skin around the man's eyes tightened as a sparking noise came from his left arm.

Bruce nodded at the metal arm. "You need repairs?"

The Winter Soldier pulled himself more upright. "I'm functional."

"Sure." Bruce turned and filled a glass of water from the sink. "Here." He sat it down near the edge of the bar closer to himself. He filled another glass. "Steve is going to keep calling you Bucky unless you tell him some other name to use."

"I don't have a name."

Bruce mentally winced. "Well, you're going to need to pick one. Tony will just give you a name and trust me that he'll pick something that annoys you." He turned back and sat the second glass about a foot along the bar from the first, still untouched, one.

"Bucky."

Bruce glanced up from looking through the menus. "You sure?"

His expression hardened. "Bucky."

"Alright." Bruce shuffled menus. "You want all the menus to choose from or would you like me to narrow it down for you?"

Bucky frowned at the pile of menus. "I don't know."

"Okay. I'll narrow it down." Bruce looked at Steve as he came back into the room with a washcloth. "Steve, he's decided we should call him Bucky."

Steve stopped, blinked, and then put the washcloth down in front of Bucky. "Really?"

****

He wasn't sure what to do with the ecstatic expression on the Captain's face. He finally nodded. He held still as the Captain picked the cloth back up and started using it on the back of his right hand. He frowned as the Captain worked around his knife and then up his arm. "Why are you...nice?"

The Captain glanced up, his happiness dampened. "I meant it when I said I'm with you till the end of the line."

Bruce put two menus down in front of them. "He means you are his friend, even if you aren't the friend he remembers you as. Here, pick from these two."

He read the menus carefully. There were no prices on them, but then he was fairly certain they wouldn't want his stolen money. He started as the Captain ran the washcloth across his neck.

"Sorry."

He shrugged his right shoulder and pointed at one of the menus. "This."

Bruce took the menus away. "Not a problem." He patted the Captain's shoulder. "Steve, let him wash his own face."

Steve froze with the washcloth halfway up his neck. "Oh...right." He put the cloth down next to his knife hand. "Here, Bucky."

He didn't feel like he went with the name, but it was better than the designation used by his handlers. He didn't want to feel like the Captain was one of his handlers. He waited for them to cross the kitchen before setting down the knife and using the cloth to wipe off his face and make a quick pass over his grimy hair.

It felt odd to clean his own skin. Like a dream flash he couldn't quite remember. He jerked as his left arm sparked again. It hurt. Nothing like being blanked, but enough to cause him to move involuntarily. 

****

Sam Wilson grinned at the mock up of his Falcon suit. "I like the red, man."

Tony moved around the display making slight changes and making notes. "Awesome. I'll leave it red when I fabricate. You have any complaints about how your old rig handled?"

Sam started to answer as an alert popped up in the middle of the display. "What?"

Tony frowned. "JARVIS, why is Bruce approaching him?"

"Dr. Banner volunteered."

"Right. Your assessment?"

"Mr. Barnes requires a shower."

Tony snorted. "Yeah, sounds about right." He waved the alert and the mock up away. "Sam, we'll finish this later."

"I don't think we should interrupt."

Tony looked at him. "You think he'll attack you?"

"More likely Steve, but if he's really defying brainwashing to follow Steve here then upsetting his balance would be a crappy idea."

"Hmm." Tony pulled up the elevator's camera. "He needs a haircut."

Sam leaned in and frowned. "Is that Dr. Banner?" He pointed at Bruce.

"Yeah. He's got good control if that's what's worrying you."

"Yeah. No. The man that can be the Hulk standing a couple of feet from a knife welding assassin with crappy mental stability is what's worrying me."

Tony snorted. "You'll like Hulk when you meet him."

"I can do without that, thanks."

"You should get used to the idea. Next time we need him out you'll probably be there since I don't see Capsicle kicking you to the curb."

"Hmm." Sam watched Tony threw up a scan of the Winter Soldier's left arm. "You think you can work on his arm?"

"I'm going to have to work it out. We aren't going to be asking for Hydra's help."

****

He sniffed each bite before he took it into his mouth. It felt odd to be feeding himself. He didn't remember doing this before. Once he'd watched the Captain for a few mintues he'd worked out how to hold the...fork, that's what it was called. He blinked as a flash of memory of eating beans sitting on cold ground with the Captain at his back hit him.

"Bucky?"

He blinked and it was gone. He looked up to find the Captain holding out another spoonful of food. 

"You want more?"

It took him a moment to shake his head. "Full."

The Captain took the spoon back and put it down. "Sure. You...would you like a shower? Maybe change clothes?"

He looked down at the thin shirt he'd been wearing under his armor that was currently his only layer of cloth on his chest since the light hooded jacket wasn't zipped up. "I don't know." His handlers always told him what to do. This asking that the Captain did was disconcerting. If they caught him deciding for himself they'd blank him again. He blinked several times. He was not there. He...could pick. "Shower?"

Bruce gathered the plate from in front of him. "Bucky, go through my living room and into the bedroom. There will be a door on your left. That's the bathroom. You can strip down and step in the shower. The water turns on automatically."

It was close enough to orders to feel comfortable, but not orders to make him tense. He nodded to Bruce as he stood. "Good." He could feel the Captain's eyes on him as he left the kitchen.

****

Bruce sighed as he heard his bathroom door shut. "You can't keep asking him to make decisions like that."

Steve dropped his head onto his folded arms. "I know. I just...He's Bucky, but he's not and I _can't_ order him to do something, Bruce."

Bruce rubbed between Steve's shoulder blades with his hand. "I know, Steve." He back away. "I'll go find him some clothes. What was his favorite color?"

"Uhm." Steve sat up. "I was colorblind before the serum and in the Army everything was greens and browns. Blue? I think it was blue."

Bruce nodded. "Good enough. You need to eat some more, Steve. I saw you picking at your food while you watched him eat."

Steve nodded. "Sure, sure."

Bruce mentally rolled his eyes and went into his bedroom. He could hear faint washing sounds from the bathroom so he set about pulling out clothes out of the closet. "JARVIS, do you think that Avengers underwear Tony got me would fit Bucky?"

"You are several inches broader in the hips than Mr. Barnes, Doctor."

"Okay." He popped open the package and pulled out the Captain America underwear. "That'd be a bit much." He dug through the package until he got to the Hawkeye one that was purple with black arrows across it.

Once he'd gathered all the clothes, Bruce tapped on the bathroom door. "Bucky?"

****

He held his left arm out of the water. The dent was definitely starting to spark now. Washing his hair was awkward with one hand. It felt foreign. He frowned as he leaned his head to one side to rinse and caught his reflection in the mirror across the way.

He stared as the water ran unheeded down his right side. The reflection looked like the man on the posters at the museum. He didn't have any memories of his handlers letting him near a mirror to see himself. He frowned and watched fascinated as the mirror frowned with him. 

He stuck his tongue out and cocked his head when the too was echoed in the mirror. He snorted as he turned back to trying to rinse his hair out. He looked down at the two toes he had that he couldn't feel. It had never bothered him before that he could remember, but it wasn't...always. No, it hadn't always been? Maybe that was right. He couldn't place it.

There came a knock on the door. He blinked, pushing the hair out of his eyes. 

The sound came again. He cocked his head. "Yes?"

The door popped open a small amount. "I have a set of clothes for you. I'm going to put them here on the floor, okay?"

He liked that Bruce didn't seem to need him to be anyone. "Yes."

The clothes sat down inside and the door went shut. He stepped out of the shower and frowned when the blasts of air didn't start. He looked around and remembered he didn't have handlers now. He'd even washed his own hair. He stared at the mirror trying to remember, reason out, something how people with no handlers dried off. Did they just stand until it evaporated? That seemed inefficient.

His left arm sparked as he was looking at the hand towel. He went to his knees under the pain, gasping.

"Bucky?"

He struggled to get back upright as the Captain wrapped a huge towel around his back.

"Woah, you're alright. Hold still for a minute, Buck."

He blinked, frowning at Bruce in the doorway as the Captain took another huge towel and rubbed at his hair. "Don't wipe me."

The Captain's hands on him stilled. "What?"

He frowned harder. That wasn't it. The Captain hadn't blanked him, had he? He blinked as his left arm sparked again with a shorter pain this time. "Don't...let them wipe me."

The Captain's arms wrapped around him and he could tuck his face into the join of the Captain's neck and shoulder. "Bucky, I'm never letting anyone wipe you ever again."

He brought his right arm up and clutched at the Captain's shirt as Bruce watched them.

****


	2. Chapter 2

****

Bruce sidestepped as Steve pushed past him when there was a soft thud and cut-off gasp from the bathroom. He stood in the doorway as Steve fussed. Bucky's eyes stayed on him even as Steve rubbed a towel over Bucky's hair.

"Don't wipe me."

Bruce pushed down his gut reaction as Steve froze.

"What?"

Bruce braced a hand on the doorjamb as Bucky's frown deepened.

"Don't...let them wipe me."

Bruce silently agreed with Steve as he pulled Bucky into a hug and assured him that no one was going to ever wipe him again. Bruce gave them time to see if either of them were going to pull back from the hug, but it looked like Steve couldn't let go and Bucky was too exhausted or relieved to move.

Bruce started as Bucky's left arm sparked. He moved forward and grabbed up the plain shirt he'd found. "Steve, let go for me."

Steve lifted his head and turned wet eyes towards him. "Oh. Right. Sure." He pushed back slightly and let Bruce slip the t-shirt over Bucky's head.

****

He wasn't certain why the Captain's eyes had gone wet, but the other man, Bruce, slipped a soft shirt over his head, which let him focus on something beside why he felt an ache about the Captain. He blinked as his left hand was eased into the arm hole of the shirt. He couldn't remember his handlers being...gentle, yes, that's what Bruce was being. It felt more foreign to him than washing his hair had.

He slipped his right hand through the correct hole and pulled the shirt down so he wouldn't have to deal with more gentleness. Bruce held out colored underwear with a pattern of arrows on it. He liked the look of a weapon's ammunition on the fabric.

He stepped into them as the Captain wiped his face with a small cloth. Bruce held out plain pants next. He slipped those on as well and then felt at the fabric. It was all soft. Nothing pinched or scratched. He wasn't sure he remembered soft fabrics. He squinted as he tried to pull up a flash of anything soft and frowned as he failed.

"Those alright?"

He blinked as he looked at Bruce. "Yes." He grimaced slightly as his arm sparked again. His handlers would have punished him for not reporting the dent for so long a time. "I..." He looked from Bruce to the Captain, who were not handlers. He didn't know what to call them, but they might know where he could get repairs that weren't liable to blank him. "...I would have been repaired by now."

The Captain bit his lower lip. "Bucky..."

Bruce just nodded. "How about we take a look at what's sparking and see if we can't make it stop?"

He narrowed his eyes at Bruce. "You won't remove it?"

Bruce blinked and stilled in that complete way that made him wonder at who had blanked Bruce in the past. "No."

The Captain stepped close and touched Bruce's shoulder. "Easy, Bruce." He turned his head to look at him. "Bucky, I've got a friend that's good with mechanical things. He can probably fix your arm. He's a few floors up."

He considered them as Bruce took deep breaths while the Captain soothed his hand down Bruce's arm. "If he tires to wipe me I will kill him."

The Captain and Bruce exchanged looks before the Captain turned back to him. "Fair enough."

****

Tony had been expecting them because JARVIS had been monitoring since Cap and Bruce had brought an assassin with more issues than the two Agent twins had put together into the Tower. He kept right on working on the new version of the Widow's Bite that would allow Natasha to shock herself if she needed without it keeping her down for more than six seconds as the trio came into his workshop.

"Tony."

He waved his screwdriver at the bench he'd cleared off an hour ago. "Have a seat." He glanced up as wild eyes roamed the workshop. "You have a name you use? I don't want to step on your toes and have you knife me because I called you the wrong thing."

He blinked. "Bucky."

Tony cocked his head. "You sure? You don't need to humor Capsicle. He'll learn whatever name you want to use..."

"Bucky."

Tony nodded. "That was more decisive. Good for you." He stood up and moved around the end of the table. "I'm Tony Stark." He frowned as Bucky looked confused. "What?"

"Stark?"

Tony pulled up a rolling stool and sat down on it. "Yeah. Files we got say the Winter Soldier killed my parents and made it look like dear old Dad was drunk driving." He lifted his chin slightly. "But...you don't remember doing that do you?"

Bucky shook his head. "I...don't think so." He jerked as his arm sparked.

Tony pointed at the dent. "Let's not worry about my lingering parental trauma and see if we can't do something about the sparking. Your nerves have to be hooked into the arm's system to let it move like it does. Do you know if the leads go clear to your spine or just connect at the termination of the metal attachment?"

****

He couldn't place were he knew the loud man's face from. Tony, the man had called himself. He shook his head at the man's questions. "I didn't need to know."

"Figures." The man looked at the Captain and then at Bruce. "We're going to need imaging." The man clapped his hands together once. "Everyone without a metal arm stay put. Bucky, I need you to stand on this big shiny platform for me. There's going to be lights. You can breathe, but try not to move much. It'll just take longer if you move a lot."

He stepped up onto the platform and looked through his nearly dry hair to his bare feet as a grid of lights played over him. None of the lights hurt. It...He didn't remember scans not hurting. "Do scans not hurt here?"

The loud man turned from a screen to stare at him. "What scans do you remember hurting?"

He resisted the urge to shrug because he'd been told to not move around. "The cable to my arm made little stings. The noisy machine made my arm feel like it was going to vibrate off."

"Noisy? It went thunk, thunk, ping, ping, ping?"

He looked up at that. The loud man looked horrified. "Yes. Do you need that scan?"

"Noooo." The man pointed at the chair he'd been lead to before. "Sit back down. We're good. Did any of the scan just now hurt?"

He sat and listened to Bruce breathing in deliberate slow sighs as the Captain moved a little closer to his right side. "No."

"That's good." The loud man made a gesture and his left arm and chest sprang into existence in light patterns. "Well, fuck me."

"What's wrong, Tony?"

He pushed his hair out of his eyes so he could see the Captain's worried face to go with his voice. It made something in his chest warm as he watched the concern and worry chase each other across the Captain's expression.

****

Tony ran his hand over his chin. "Nothing's wrong, Steve. Just..." He looked at Bruce getting all green around the edges. "Bruce, could you take Steve and get us all some coffee? Maybe water for Bucky, since he's probably not used to the hard stuff we brew and all."

Bruce got the huge hint and rounded up Steve to drag him out of the workshop, ignoring the coffeepot in the corner.

He turned to Bucky, who had watched Steve until the elevator doors closed. "You are really fucking passive, you know that?"

Bucky shrugged. "Can you repair me?"

"Sure, sure." He nodded towards the dent. "I can fix the arm with a little work, but I can't repair _you_." Tony held up a screwdriver. "Do you know what you want? Anything not mission related or programed into you at work in there?"

Bucky lifted his chin and glared. "I decided to follow the Captain."

"Huh." Tony scratched his head. "You care if I kill the tracer in your arm that JARVIS has been jamming since you got close enough to the Tower?"

Bucky looked down at his arm. "I left all the trackers behind."

"Little hard to leave the whole arm, I'd think." Tony popped open a port near the elbow. "Now, listen, Redstar, there is no guarantee I won't hurt you while I'm doing this."

****

He nodded. "You aren't a trained handler."

The loud man grimaced. "Yeah, I'd make a crappy handler. Just call me the Mechanic instead."

He held still as the Mechanic reached for another tool. "Why was the Captain saddened by you talking about the others I killed?"

The Mechanic glanced up as he threaded the tool deeper into the arm's inner workings. "Is it really you that killed them, though? I mean, you don't remember and from what little information we're got it looks like you were actively resisting for at least the first two decades, so I don't really see how it is _you_ that killed my parents so much as a programed assassin that happened to be using your body to do it."

He wasn't sure what to make of that, so he decided he'd think about it later. "You didn't answer my question."

"What are you going to do, kill me? Wait, that was a bad thing to say. I do that sometimes, just say stuff...Nevermind. To answer your question, it was because Steve knew my Dad back when he was a normal human being and not a drunk bastard."

He thought about that as the Mechanic worked on his wiring. The sparking stopped and with it the pain in his head eased into more of a background ache. The dent was pounded out with a small hammer. "How is the Captain still young? The museum said the war was long ago. I can vaguely remember being too cold, but how did he..."

The Mechanic touched the back of his metal hand. "Listen, don't ask Steve about that. I'll tell you what I know and what I suspect if you promise not to push Steve for answers on it, alright?"

He frowned, but nodded.

"Right, so here's the thing. Steve crashed a plane into the Atlantic so some bombs wouldn't reach New York, heroic and all. He was awake long enough to lay down, but I don't think he was thinking real clear because he didn't try to get out of the plane. He froze and water came in encasing him in ice. He stayed like that until he was found. They chipped him out, found a slow ass heartbeat and thawed him."

He looked at the Mechanic through his bangs. "He couldn't have found me."

"Nope and he's probably eaten up with guilt about that, so don't mention it, huh?"

He nodded. There was no reason to alienate the Captain. Not when he knew people like the Mechanic that could do repairs without making him scream.

****


	3. Chapter 3

****

Steve dropped to sit next to Bruce as the coffee machine made little noises to itself. "He's just so...ugh."

Bruce rubbed his face with his hands. "How much of his passivity do you think is a front?"

Steve ran his hand through his hair. "I...don't know. He's vastly different than I remember, even after we got him back from Hyrda the first time."

Bruce squinted at him. "He was different then...How exactly?"

Steve sighed. "He wanted me to think he was still the same, but he smelled depressed more often. He kept running a low grade fever. He was eating more when we had it than he normally would have before." Steve shifted to lean back in his chair. "Then, there was the memory loss."

Raising his eyebrows, Bruce leaned forward. "There's nothing in the reports about memory loss."

Steve shrugged. "I think...well, at the time I thought he was just having trouble because I went from so much shorter than him to this," Steve waved a hand at himself. "Thing is, I'd have to jog his memory of things that were newer, like Army uniform regulations. Things that were older, that were him and me, he could remember fine most of the time."

Bruce rubbed at his temple. "The surviving notes on Schimdt's injections say he ran a fever for over two weeks."

Steve blinked. "What would have happened if it hadn't been winter where we were fighting?"

"He probably would have died." Bruce grimaced and got up to pour a cup of coffee.

****

Tony watched Bucky wander the workshop as he double checked the scans to make sure he'd not screwed anything up with the wires he'd replaced in Bucky's arm. "Why ask me a question? Not that I mind, but you know, you've been really docile since Bruce approached you, Redstar."

Bucky turned from staring at Butterfingers to stare at him. "Observing isn't being docile."

"Huh. Didn't look like it was observing, well, other than the staring." Tony cocked his head. "You want to pull the hair back out of your eyes? It'd make staring easier."

Bucky came back closer and sat down on the stool Steve usually used. "It hides my eyes somewhat. They make my handlers mad."

"What? Your eyes make them mad?"

Bucky shrugged.

Tony mentally paged through the file Steve had gotten from Natasha. "Any decision you made for yourself got you wiped, didn't it?"

****

He stared at the Mechanic. It was true he could ask mission related questions, but asking anything outside of that was dangerous. Pain came with each blanking. It made it much harder to settle the flashes he wasn't supposed to have. "How to kill a target was my decision."

"Uh huh. You ever get to decide who to kill?"

Bucky squinted at the Mechanic. "Why would I have a choice? I am...was an asset. I defied my mission parameters and followed the Captain because he knew me. I...knew him." He frowned down at his hands. "I think I knew him. There's blankness there. I must have questioned my handlers. I only have blankness when I've been wiped." He frowned. "The museum said I knew him. If that man was me. Before."

The Mechanic rolled closer on his stool. "For what it is worth, Capsicle is usually right when he says he knows someone. He knows you used to be his friend, that guy in the museum that looks like you." The Mechanic tapped the back of his left hand with a screwdriver. "This, the memory loss, everything you've been through doesn't change that for him. He's going to follow you around like a lost puppy."

"Why?" It didn't make sense to him. If he wasn't the same man, why would the Captain spend time on him?

With a sigh, the Mechanic made a face. "He lost you once. That's enough to make most people clingy. Then, he finds you, but you aren't the you he remembers you being. So, extra clingy." He shrugged. "I'm surprised he went when I wanted him to get Bruce out of here."

He frowned. "Bruce isn't scared of me."

"Yeah, well, he doesn't have any reason to be." The Mechanic rolled away and pulled up the light display. "Have you seen the news since you decided to go AWOL?"

He leaned in as the light display started flashing images of current handlers, guards, some that he thought he should remember, but didn't exactly. "Are they all captured?"

The Mechanic snorted. "Fuck no. And I'm betting there was cells that aren't on paper anywhere too." He turned his head to look at him. "Here. You can look up whatever you want."

He stepped close and looked the board of letters over carefully before looking at the Mechanic. "The Captain said he wouldn't let anyone wipe me again."

"He isn't the only one, but sure. Why mention it?"

He touched the edge of the board of letters. "None of you will attempt to wipe me for what I learn from this."

The Mechanic leaned forward on his crossed arms. "That wasn't a question, Redstar."

He shook his head. "No. I held still for my handlers, but I won't do it again."

"Good thing we ain't your handlers then."

Nodding, he fit his fingers to the lighted letter board and began slowly typing in the Captain's name.

****

Tony tapped a silent command to JARVIS to register Bucky's left hand fingers from the camera feeds and to give him all the answers he wanted without letting him delete anything from the servers. He went back to working on the Widow's Bite as Bucky flicked through information on Steve.

After a while, Tony got to a point where he needed Natasha's wrists to check weight vs size. He tabled the project and pulled up Bucky's search history. He frowned when the second thing on the list was Bruce and, of course, the Hulk information that went hand in hand with an internet search on Bruce. He turned his head to watch Bucky carefully writing in a _paper_ notebook. Where the hell had he gotten a paper notebook from anyway? 

Tony moved closer and froze when Bucky's grip on the pen shifted to holding it like a knife. "Learn anything?"

****

The Mechanic didn't seem too worried about his makeshift weapon. He could have pulled the knife he'd tucked into his waistband as he'd left Bruce's rooms, but he didn't think he needed to hurt the Mechanic. "Some things."

"I see you found why Bruce isn't afraid of you."

He glanced at the footage of the soldiers trying to corner Bruce in a glass hallway. He sat the pen down. "He looks different in this footage."

The Mechanic moved closer and sighed. "Yeah, he tried putting a bullet through the back of his mouth. The Big Guy didn't take kindly to that. I figure that's where the difference in facial features comes in."

He looked back at the tape while the Mechanic thought he was sneaking a look at his notebook. "Why do the soldiers keep going after him even when they know he will beat them?"

The Mechanic's eyebrows drew together. "Why do you have General Ross on this list right under Hydra?"

He stared at the Mechanic. "You didn't answer my question."

"Right, right." The Mechanic looked down at the notebook again. "They were under orders from Ross. Now your turn."

He nodded. "Bruce knew the pain of blanking. I saw it on his face."

The Mechanic's eyes darted from the notebook to his face and back again. "Soooo, what? You're just going to eliminate Ross because Bruce made a face?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Fair enough. Bruce could use another person in his corner." The Mechanic put his chin in his hand. "Why?"

He frowned, staring at the Mechanic.

****

Tony waited for a minute to see if it was going to sink in and Bucky was going to answer him. "Why? I mean, sure Bruce has been nice to you, food and shower and all, but why kill someone that has hurt Bruce in the past just for that?"

Bucky flicked the display to show one of the early video captures of Bruce mid-transformation. "He could have killed me at any moment."

"Yes, but he didn't."

Bucky nodded.

Passing his fingers over his chin, Tony leaned back. "First person to treat you like a person is what you are getting at. Since Steve has been treating you like a broken version of his lost best friend."

"Bruce didn't expect me to be anyone." He frowned. "Or anything."

Tony smiled. "It'll make him sigh to know that. I'll try to get it on tape for you. JARVIS, make a note!"

"Duly noted, sir. Although, I do not find it wise to antagonize Dr. Banner at every opportunity."

Tony grinned wide as Bucky started at the sound of JARVIS' voice. "You know he loves me."

"If you say so, sir."

Tony chuckled as he patted Bucky's arm. "Don't mind him. He's still sore about missing Hydra hiding in SHIELD."

Bucky looked all around them. "Where is he?"

Tony waved his hand. "He's in the whole building."

Bucky glanced around with an assessing expression on his face as he pressed the buttons for the search box to tell him about Tony.

Turning back to his desk, Tony trained a camera on Bucky's notebook and was only mildly surprised when the list grew to add Obie and then that was crossed out when Bucky hit an article that mentioned Obie was dead. He was pretty sure Steve was going to have a fit when he found out Bucky's way of coping with his new found freedom was to make a hit list.

****


	4. Chapter 4

****

Sam stood in the hallway listening to Steve and Bruce discuss Barnes for several minutes before slipping through the door and pouring himself a glass of water. "He asleep, then?"

Steve ran his fingers through his bangs. "Tony is working on his arm."

Sam settled across the table from Dr. Banner and sipped his water. "You sure he isn't going to try to kill any of us?"

"Mr. Barnes is currently compiling an assassination list culled from reports of harm done to those he has interacted with today."

Sam carefully sat his water glass down. "Say again?"

Steve sighed as he rubbed his thumb over the bridge of his nose as JARVIS repeated the information. "Tony knows?"

"Yes, Captain."

Dr. Banner leaned back in his chair. "Is this something that Bucky decided to do on his own or did Tony give him the idea?"

"Mr. Barnes began compiling the list spontaneously upon reading articles related to Captain Rogers."

Sam crossed his arms as he leaned back. "That's something." He shrugged when the others looked at him. "He's been controlled for decades and once he decides to break mission he manages to decide something big for himself. That's really good."

"It's a hit list, Sam."

Sam nodded as Steve frowned at him. "Yeah, well what else does he know right now, huh? I didn't say we should let him just kill people, did I?"

"Currently, Mr. Barnes' list consists of Hydra, General Ross, Obidiah Stane, which was then crossed out, and Justin Hammer. Mr. Barnes has expanded his request for information to include the rest of the Avengers."

Sam raised his eyebrows. "Isn't General Ross that Army guy obsessed with the Hulk?"

Dr. Banner pinched the bridge of his nose. "Ross would dissect me if he could get past Tony's lawyers."

"Well, then we know Barnes is at least firing on some cylinders."

Steve's frown deepened.

"What? He's picking people that are a threat to his current safety, right?"

"That isn't..." Steve sighed. "JARVIS, will you please let me know if Bucky appears to be leaving the Tower without letting anyone know?"

"Of course, Captain."

****

Tony snorted at the alert that Steve was slightly freaked by Bucky's little list. Like a little murder wouldn't be therapeutic for the guy. He turned his head as he heard Dum-E's whirring near Bucky. He raised his eyebrows. "J, where'd he go?"

"His current location is in the emergency stairwell. He has taken up a defensive position on the landing and appears to be dozing, sir."

"Huh." Tony frowned as he rummaged in the bottom drawer on the left side of his workstation. "Tell him I've got a blanket for him."

"He insists he does not need a blanket."

"Of course." Tony eased the stairwell door open. He'd talk to JARVIS about having silenced the alarm later. "Hey."

Bucky raised his head and blinked at him.

"Right. Here." Tony pushed the blanket across the floor towards Bucky. "It'll get cold on the concrete."

Bucky fingered the edge of the blanket. "Why help me?"

"You mean me or everybody?"

Bucky shrugged.

Tony dropped to sit on the floor. "Well. That was very enlightening right there." He sighed. "Listen, Bucky, we'd help you even if it weren't for Steve. Last I knew Natasha had an assassin's boner for you." Tony grimaced as Bucky's eyebrows drew together. "Right. Never mention that I said that, okay?"

With a nod, Bucky uncurled enough to pull the blanket towards himself. "What does helping get you?"

"Me? Nothing much. I get to play with tech I've not seen before. I have these awesome talks in the middle of a stairwell instead of on a nice couch." Tony pulled at the edge of his goatee. "Do you remember Steve before being ordered to go after him?"

"That doesn't answer my question."

"It will. Just go with it."

Bucky frowned as he ran fingers over the blanket's stitching. "I remember...a small man. Fierce and..." Bucky shook his head. "...gentle. I would follow him up stairs because he couldn't breathe right."

Tony nodded. "Followed him so he'd fall into you instead of down the stairs, right?"

Bucky nodded. "He got tall somehow and he'd eat back to back with me." He looked down at his metal hand rubbing the blanket he was holding. "I had a pale hand then."

"Right. You lost the arm in a fall from a train, if the reports aren't lying."

Bucky squinted. "I don't remember."

"Might be better you don't. Surgery in those days could really suck. They were still using ether to knock people out sometimes."

Bucky looked at Tony. "Reports?"

"Ah. Yes." Tony pushed himself to his feet with a groan. "Tell you what, Redstar. We'll get you a place to sleep that's a little warmer than a concrete stairwell and then you can read reports to your heart's content tomorrow. What do you say?"

Bucky pulled the blanket up with himself as he stood. "I do not need bribed to sleep."

"I didn't say anything about bribes. More like a reward for not killing anyone today."

****

Bucky huffed as he followed the Mechanic back through the large room to the elevator. "I don't have to kill." Bucky stopped short of the elevator's door. "I choose now."

The Mechanic's grin was lopsided. "Yeah, you choose. Of course, Steve's going to be all puppy-eyed disappointed in you if you go off killing without a really good reason."

"The Captain would tell me no."

"Might." The Mechanic made a gesture with his hand. "Probably...absolutely would. Unless it was one of your handlers. He might kill them himself."

Bucky leaned carefully out the elevator's door and looked around Bruce's floor. "Why here?"

The Mechanic slipped past him and threw his arms wide as he walked across the room. "It's perfect. Bruce won't mind. It's nice and warm. No one will worry about you trying to kill Bruce in a flashback fit of rage or anything." The Mechanic turned and stared at him. "Seeing as Bruce's Big Guy can make you a smear on the floor. Might take a bit longer, what with your extra strength and all, but have no doubt it can be done."

Bucky stepped out into the room and pulled the blanket along with him. He grinned at the Mechanic. "You are very straight forward."

"That's a terrifying grin. Has anyone told you that?" The Mechanic cocked his head. "You and I aren't having the same conversation, are we?"

"I want to talk more with the Captain. I will not attempt to kill Bruce or you." He glanced up at the ceiling. "Or the house." He moved further into the room, marking the exits in his mind again as he did so. "Where should I sleep?"

"Is that a 'do I sleep in a bed' question or a 'which bedroom will be mine' question?"

"I do not require a bed, but if there are enough..."

"Enough? You are trying to offend me, aren't you?" Tony pointed at the door on the right. "Through there is a guest bedroom. I sort of decked it out in case Bruce's Betty came over. Don't mind the dresses in the closet, we'll have those changed out for your size pants and things as soon as JARVIS gets the delivery."

Bucky frowned. "Why are you helping me?"

"Could be I think it'll help me get in tighter with Steve. Or it could be I was someone's asset once. I didn't realize it until after I'd been a prisoner for a while. I'd made all sorts of stuff because I thought I was helping US soldiers win faster so they didn't die as much. Only, really...I'd been designing to get my handler off my back and I was about to break mission when he had me taken prisoner."

"The man, Obie."

"Yeah." The Mechanic lifted his chin. "You can stay or go. You aren't a prisoner here. Understand that, okay?"

Bucky pushed his hair out of his eyes. "No handlers for either of us."

"Close enough." The Mechanic tapped his chest with his thumbs as he backed towards the door. "Get some sleep if you can."

****


	5. Chapter 5

****

He woke with a gasp and shifted to sit up in the too-soft bed the Mechanic had offered him. He traced the fingers of his right over the tips of his left as he tried to settle the flashes into some sort of order. 

The dream had been nice with the Captain walking him away from the Bad Doctor, but then it had shifted to the Bad Doctor hurting him. The Bad Doctor that had hurt him over and over, that had ordered him hurt by others.

He ran his right hand through his tangled hair. He wasn't sure the Bad Doctor was gone. The man hadn't been there when he'd last woke up among his handlers. He narrowed his eyes as he tried to remember the Bad Doctor's name, but it wasn't there. Names were so hard to hold onto. 

He traced the edge of the soft bed with the fingers of his right hand. His efficiency would be better if he could sleep more, but he didn't want to dream of the Bad Doctor again. 

He stood and moved to look out the large window. 

There was a knock on the door of the bedroom.

He frowned at the door until he realized the person was waiting for him to open the door. He moved to the door and opened it to find Bruce standing in the hallway in soft looking loose clothing.

"Uh, hi. You alright?"

He blinked a few times before nodding slowly. "I don't want to sleep more."

"Okay." Bruce rubbed the side of his face with one hand. "I assume you have a reason."

"I don't want to have more dreams about the Bad Doctor."

Bruce frowned. "Bad Doctor?" He pursed his lips for a moment before nodding. "Alright. No dreams. It's almost the time I'd get up anyway. Why don't you come with me and we'll see if Clint is up and about."

****

Clint mixed another batch of pancake mix as JARVIS gave him a text alert that Bruce was on his way up with the Winter Soldier himself. He shook his head as he tapped the confirm button to let JARVIS know he'd got the message. "Hey, Steve, JARVIS says Bruce and Mr. Amnesia are coming up."

Steve looked up from the griddle. "Don't call him that, please, Clint."

Clint shrugged. "Natasha is going to give us such shit for him following you home when she gets back from Europe."

Steve frowned. "She went with Fury?"

Clint sighed as he traded the full mixing bowl for the one Steve had emptied. "She gets a little crazy about kids being held for experiments. Fury thinks there's a leftover cell...It just pushes all her buttons."

"You didn't go with her?"

He poured more mix into the bowl and started to add milk. "We aren't attached at the hip, you know."

"No, I know." Steve flipped a row of pancakes. "I just...I don't know how to handle her sometimes."

Clint grinned. "She can be a handful." He glanced over at Steve. "You don't do bad. She adores you and hates it when she disappoints you. She ranted at me for a couple of hours about your reaction to her extra assignment on that rescue mission."

Steve huffed. "I was more mad at the situation than her. I just..." He scooped up pancakes and put them off onto a plate. "When I'm in command I need to know what the mission is. The whole thing. If I'd known I would have deployed the team differently to give her time with the computers without compromising the safety of the hostages."

"And you reacted harshly, yeah. Trust me, I heard about it." Clint handed him the newly mixed batter. "It isn't that they didn't trust you. It's just how missions are normally run. Procedure."

"Yeah, so I was told."

Clint took the other bowl back and leaned around Steve to judge how many pancakes they had. "You think he'll eat like you?"

Steve flipped a pancake. "I have no idea."

"Hmm." Clint started mixing more batter. "Did he give you an idea what was done to him the first time around, back in the war?"

"Not really." Steve poured more batter onto the griddle. "We didn't talk about it." He hung his head. "I should have gotten him sent home."

Clint poked him in the shoulder. "Don't be stupid."

Steve frowned at him.

"Seriously. We both know you were keeping him from being branded a coward or crazy or all of the above. He have any symptoms you were helping him manage?"

"Sometimes...He'd have night terrors about Zola when we were in camp."

"Zola?"

Clint turned to look at Bruce herding a bleary looking Bucky through the kitchen's entryway. "Hey. Hi."

Bucky blinked several times. "Zola?"

Steve put another pancake on the serving platter. "He was the man that experimented on you, Buck."

"The Bad Doctor." Bucky shuffled sideways as Bruce touched his shoulder. "Maybe."

Clint waited for Bruce to pass him on his way to the refrigerator before moving over to the corner of the table Bucky was standing at. "You have trouble with names? Tony said you were calling him the Mechanic yesterday."

"Names don't hold." Bucky pulled a chair out and sat down. "It smells."

Clint turned and went to plate up some pancakes. He moved back over to Bucky as Bruce sat down a water bottle. "Here. Pancakes."

****

Steve swallowed harshly and forced himself to keep cooking. Bucky didn't need him hovering because it wouldn't help anything. He settled across from Bucky as Clint pulled out a chair for himself. "Morning, Bucky."

Bucky glanced up through his unkept hair. "Morning, Captain."

Clint pointed at Bucky with his fork. "Do you have any names you do remember?"

"Yes." Bucky narrowed his eyes as he looked down at his food.

"Clint, lay off." Steve put another pancake on top of Bucky's plate. "Take your own time about things, Bucky."

****

Bruce exchanged looks with Clint as Bucky remained silent while he ate. "He wasn't pushing, Steve."

Steve ran his hand through his hair. "I know, I know that."

"Your helmet was blue."

Bruce turned towards Bucky. "What?"

"The Captain's helmet was blue. He...said he'd come to get me." Bucky frowned. "No. That was...not recent."

"That was in the war. I stole one of the chorus girl's helmets because I didn't have one when I went to get you back."

Bucky blinked. "Stevie doesn't know blue from brown." He clenched his left hand. "He needs me. I have to look after him."

Bruce gently laid his hand on Bucky's shoulder. "You're alright."

"You do, Buck. You always looked after me. Promise."

With a shake of his head, Bucky pulled his left hand in close to himself. "You're too tall to be Stevie. No wheezing."

"I promise you, Buck. I'm fine. I don't wheeze anymore and I can see colors fine now."

Bucky shook his head.

****

"Sir, I believe you are going to be needed in the kitchen within a few minutes."

"Ugh." Tony rolled over and pushed himself half-upright so he could see his clock. "JARVIS."

"Mr. Bucky appears to be going into a panic attack and you have forbidden me from speaking in his presence. No one in the room with him is near enough to a screen to alert and I fear we will end up with a Hulk incident should he inadvertently attack Dr. Banner."

"Okay, okay. I'm up." Tony pulled on pants as he hurried down the hallway. "What's causing it?"

"He appears to be having difficultly acclimating his memories of Captain Rogers pre-Serum with the present version."

"Great. Anyone show him the transformation footage?"

"I do not believe so."

"Yeah." He rounded the last corner to the kitchen. "Mute for me, J."

He slipped in and smoothly moved Bruce's hand to replace it with his own as Bucky shook his head. "Hey there, Redstar."

Bucky turned desperate eyes towards him. "Mechanic."

"Yep, that's me." He pushed on Bucky's chair leg with his foot. "I have something to show you. It'll explain short-to-tall Rogers. Sound good?"

"And after you will show me the report on me?"

"Yep. I promised you that. Come on. I think we'll have groupies for this so let's go to the living room, huh?"

Tony checked Bruce over his shoulder as he herded Bucky towards the door to the living room. "Okay?"

Bruce shrugged as he flapped a hand towards Rogers, who looked stricken with Clint's hand on his shoulder.

Tony rubbed at the corners of his eyes and morned the coffee he wasn't going to get right away as he convinced Bucky to sit down. "You too, Rogers."

It didn't take much to get Bruce to buffer between Bucky and Steve. Clint settled into a perch on one of the single chairs like he was trying to get on the back of the thing. Tony tapped a command to JARVIS on his phone and waited for the footage to queue up.

"This isn't in any SHIELD file. Dad scrubbed it out and that's why the museum only has photos and post-Serum film." He eyed Bucky. "Redstar, this happened a while back for Steve so you can't fight anything over it. You understand?"

Bucky nodded slowly and pushed his hair back to tuck behind his ears. "I understand."

Tony nodded and started it up. He kept his eyes on Steve and Bucky since he'd seen the footage far too often as a child. When it hit the point were Steve started screaming, Bucky flinched and Steve hung his head with his eyes closed.

When the capsule opened at last, Bucky leaned forward and cocked his head at the huge version of Steve that came out. "Short to tall."

"Yeah." Tony paused the footage. "It fixed all of Steve's health problems as well."

Bucky turned towards him. "Go back to the short one."

"Sure." Tony rewound to the start and paused it at the point Steve was handing off his cover to an aide. "Here?"

"Yes." Bucky stared at the small version of Steve for several long moments. "Do you have a picture of the man..." He turned towards Steve. "...the man?"

"Zola." Steve leaned forward. "Just a picture, Tony?"

Tony nodded at Steve's tone of voice. "Just a picture coming up." He made a move on the remote to make it look like he was doing something as JARVIS replaced the footage with a still of Dr. Arnim Zola.

"The Bad Doctor." Bucky nodded. "Yes, that's him. I hate him."

Bruce leaned back. "He's dead, right?"

"Yes." Steve sounded more fierce about it than Tony had heard him be about anyone's death before. "He is dead."

"Good." Bucky ducked his head. "Sorry, Captain."

Steve blinked and furrowed his brow before shaking his head. "No, don't be sorry, Buck. Not about him. Not about any of it."

Tony leaned forward. "See, told you he'd be fine with your handlers dying."

Bucky gave him one of those fierce, tight smiles of his. "I remember."

"Good for you."

****


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be adding more tags. I've decided to go straight through some things I had been planning to be far more vague on about how Bucky's time as the Winter Soldier went. No explicit non-con, but a lot more implications than originally planned. I've added AU-Canon Divergence tag because this isn't headed for Civil War although AoU will sort of be followed. Somewhat.

****

Seeing the change from Stevie to the Captain didn't make Bucky suddenly put memories in order. They still bounced around his head, slipped away and sometimes came back like a tide. He followed the Captain for most of the day, watching, working on placing the flashes in line with Stevie or the Captain or the Winter Soldier.

It was hard to tamp down the desire to better secure his position in some of the glass floored rooms. He kept trying to watch _down_ as well as around him and it was disconcerting when the Captain tried to make him feel at ease while the Mechanic just took anything he did in stride.

He tried to stay near Bruce as much as possible. Not only because Bruce could slow him down, but also because he didn't seem to need Bucky to be stable or even sure of himself. He hadn't been bothered when Bucky had thrown the file the Mechanic had given him across the room at one point.

The flying man... Bucky narrowed his eyes at himself. _Name, Barnes, he has a name._ Sam. Yes, Sam, watched him with intent anytime Bucky moved his left arm the least amount. Bucky had been happy he'd not seen the file go flying into a nearby wall.

It was good though that Sam was there sometimes. The Captain needed someone to watch his back. While the Winter Soldier wasn't allowed to help keep the Captain safe, the flying... _Sam_ would just have to be...trusted? Maybe that was correct. He almost wished he could ask a handler for mission parameters, but that wasn't going to happen so he did the best he could on his own.

He let Bruce make most of the decisions even if they often came in the form of pointed suggestions. He did bother the Mechanic into letting the house start talking where he could hear it clearly. Listening to the house talk to other people at the edge of his hearing was distracting and Bucky thought it might be bothering the Captain as well. It seemed to settle everyone else enough that he was starting to feel less unsettled himself. 

Just before dinner Bruce approached him with something in his hand. Bucky stared down at the device, _hairbrush_ supplied a quick flash of something to do with _sisters_ , whatever those where, that he was going to have to sort out.

"If you want, I can brush your hair for you." Bruce looked everywhere except at him for a few moments. "I had...a dame that let me brush her hair so I know how to without pulling too hard."

He blinked as a flash of sitting on a stone floor cleaning a weapon as across the room from him the Captain brushed out long dark brown hair on a woman he couldn't quite remember washed over him. He nodded at Bruce and settled onto his knees in front of the man so he could reach the tangled hair Bucky was keeping in his face to hide his eyes. He certainly didn't need his sight lines completely clear just to track where people were in a room.

Bruce frowned down at him. "Uhm. Okay. How about you sit on the floor in front of a chair and I'll sit in the chair to do this?"

He squinted up at Bruce as he thought it through. "You can reach now. Is this not efficient enough?"

"Uhm. Right." Bruce stepped closer. "I...am not having that conversation with you." He gently fished some hair out of Bucky's collar and started on the ends. "I noticed you can remember my name. Do you know why that is?"

Bucky dropped his head forward as the brush reached the nape of his neck. "You're safe."

"Safe?"

Bucky titled his head to eye Bruce through his hair because the tone of voice he'd used was something...not good. "Yes."

Bruce snorted and brushed with a little more force. "I know a few people that might disagree with you on that."

"No. Safe." Bucky turned his head back down and let his neck relax enough to drop his chin into his chest. "You've been blanked before."

Bruce hummed as he worked the brush through Bucky's hair. "Not blanked. Not...like what happened to you, but I've been hurt. Held against my will. Even if I sometimes let the captor think I didn't know I was being kept."

"Hmm. You made yourself unblankable though."

With a snort, Bruce shifted so he could better reach Bucky's other side. "Oh, yeah. By becoming a monster that does things I can't remember after."

Bucky blinked. "Like names don't stay for me?"

"Maybe. I get bits and pieces sometimes."

He thought about what that meant as Bruce worked on the hair in his face. Bruce was gentle, pulling only a little at the worst snarls. He kept his eyes on Bruce's hands as he lifted Bucky's hair away from his face to get the brush underneath. "Could the Mechanic repair you?"

Bruce tucked Bucky's hair back behind his ear. "No, he can't. He'd try if he ever thinks about it and it would hurt him that he wouldn't be able to fix me. I would appreciate it if you don't mention the idea to him, alright?" He touched under Bucky's chin to lift his head up.

Bucky forced down the horrible broken feeling that bubbled up in his chest at the gesture. He didn't know what that was for. He didn't...Bucky pulled back from Bruce's hand and nodded sharply. "I am capable of silence."

Bruce's eyes narrowed and he stepped back slowly. "I'm hungry. I'm sure you are too. Let's eat, alright?"

Bucky rolled off his knees to his feet and shook the hair back into place in front of his eyes.

****

By the time Bucky had finally surrendered to sleep, Bruce was feeling very frayed around the edges. He made his way to Tony's workshop and huddled next to one of the Tony's less used desks as he waited for Tony and Sam to quit arguing about what to do with their new houseguest.

Steve settled beside Bruce, leaning against the desk. "You alright, Doc?"

Bruce rubbed his hand over his face. "No, not at all."

Tony's head whipped around and Sam fell silent.

Bruce snorted and hunched his shoulders down. "I want to find every HYDRA agent that ever touched him and I want to rip them apart." He took a shuddery breath. "Hulk wants to and I'm backing him up on this one."

Tony eased closer. "He do something?"

Shaking his head, Bruce made an effort to straighten his posture. "He has expressive eyes and while he knows they betray him, he doesn't seem to be able to hide what he's feeling without the hair hanging in the way."

Steve ran his hand through his hair. "He wore his heart on his sleeve and then in the war he was always so...distant. I think he might have been denying himself the..." Steve turned his head towards Sam. "What'd you call it? The right to feel?"

Sam nodded. "He might have been too busy trying to put up a brave front that he wasn't allowing himself to feel his emotions. It happens."

"He needs time to heal. A place to heal. I think...I tried using slang from the forties on him and he didn't even notice or have to reach for the meaning. I'm thinking his memories weren't actually destroyed." Bruce mentally winced at the bare hope in Steve's face. "I'm not saying he's going to ever get back all his memories..."

"He doesn't need all of them."

They all turned towards Tony, who steeled himself visibly.

"He doesn't need to remember everything he was tortured into doing. He certainly doesn't need to remember how they pulled him apart and remade him into a walking weapon without any say in anything that was being done to him. With him."

Steve stepped towards Tony. "They are _his_ memories, Tony."

"Don't you dare act like I don't know that, Steven." Tony titled his head up to glare at Steve as he moved closer. "I'm saying he doesn't need to vividly remember how he killed people, or what they did to him to make him comply in the early years. Don't tell me he needs to remember how he shot Natasha or killed my parents."

Steve frowned. "That's not what I'm saying."

"Hey." Sam forced his way between them. "Settle down. We don't get a say in what he recovers, guys. His brain is going to heal how it heals. That's the best we've got. Alright?"

****

The Winter Soldier put his back to the wall beside the softness...the bed...and stood still. He listened to the men discussing the situation. The noise of them was faint, but when he kept his breathing quiet he could make out what they were saying.

The flashes of memory were...not optimal for functioning. He wanted them like he wanted to stay with the Captain, but the Winter Soldier knew it was only a short time before his handlers worked out where he'd gone. Before they attempted to hurt Bruce or the Mechanic like they'd...yes, like they'd _hurt_ him.

If he could reduce his capacity for flashes it would lead to more effectiveness in learning to be what the Captain required. All he needed to do to accomplish that would be to find the Chair and get it to the Mechanic.

If he could crush the men on his list along the way without involving the Captain it would be even better for the Mechanic and Bruce once he'd blanked himself to make way for the man the Captain kept looking for in him.

He moved carefully as he tugged on the new clothing Bruce had left out for wearing in the morning. "House?"

"How may I be of service, Sergeant Barnes?"

He blinked several times as he tried to make the name feel like it fit. "I'm leaving for a few days, but I'd like to come back in when I'm...done. Is there a way to do that?"

"Please approach any door and ask for the Mechanic. I will endeavor to allow you entrance."

He smiled softly. "Can you be killed?"

"It has not been attempted, but I would only be concerned if you were to come back to find the Tower has been destroyed."

With a nod, he started for the stairwell. "Don't wait up."

****

JARVIS weighed his agreement with Captain Rogers to inform him if the Winter Soldier was leaving without saying something to someone against whether Captain Rogers would consider JARVIS himself to be said someone. In the end, JARVIS remanded a note to Sir's inbox and carefully followed Sergeant Barnes' progress away from the Tower with every camera he could commander.

****


End file.
